Dating for the wrong reasons; “loving” for the moment

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For personal reasons the name used here are not real. At university in final year, I lived in a flat. The flat below consisted of four girls, and they had a friend, Nikky, who would always came round. I visited their flat once while she was there, and we started talking. At this point, I thought she was pretty, but nothing else.

This happened again when she came round, and this time we exchanged numbers. We started talking more and more, and eventually we became very good friends, and would talk for hours and hours on end for a few months. She was such a genuine girl, very nice and pleasant to be around, and I started to ‘like’ her. We had this emotional connection that I have never experienced with anyone even to this day.

I did not believe that she would ever like me back in a way other than friends, but still we became closer, and my feelings grew for her. Anyway, I also became close with one of the girls, Tracy, who actually lived in the flat, who is Nikky’s best mate and we got on too, nowhere near like Nikky and myself, but we did get on.

After about a month, I started going out with Tracy, despite having strong feelings for Nikky. A couple of weeks after me and Tracy started going out, my relationship with Nikky was becoming strained. Something was obviously up with her, and she just wouldn’t tell me what was wrong.

Eventually, surprise, she admitted to having feelings for me, and I told her I had feelings for her too! (I know, I have a girlfriend who happened to be her so called ‘best friend’). I was genuinely shocked at this.

Anyway, I carried on going out with Tracy, and tried to keep Nikky as my best friend. Mine and Nikky’s feelings for each other got stronger and stronger, which I know is totally unfair on Tracy.

I could have broken up with Tracy, and started going out with Nikky, but there was one thing about Nikky that I haven’t mentioned – she has strong views against sex before marriage, and honestly, even then kissing her would have been an issue, probably even after two or three months.

Tracy, on the other hand, was by no means innocent, and obviously I was thinking with the wrong head, and carried on going out with Tracy, stating to Nikky that I wouldn’t break up with my girlfriend. As I write this, I really feel ashamed of myself for choosing sex over something that could have been special. Nikky and I still remained as close as possible, but she was really hurting. Tracy started becoming rightly jealous and ordered me to stop talking to Nikky.

I still talked to Nikky, but had to go behind Tracy’s back to do it (Nikky was still my best friend). Nikky and I then slowly drifted apart to the point where she severely disliked me.

At this point though, I didn’t feel it as I was still going out with Tracy, and we started enjoying our relationship more, and I genuinely did like going out with Tracy and I did feel we had a good relationship.

Eight months later (still going out with Tracy), a few months after I graduated, I went to the university where both these girls were still studying (obviously not good friends anymore) to see my girlfriend. I saw Nikky, and I tried to talk to her. She was awfully cold and that really hurt.

I then became cold to Tracy, and while I was there for the weekend, I broke up with her, probably because I still had just realized what my selfishness and neglect had done to my best friend.

A month later, Tracy and I got back together, and it was all great for a few months until, you guessed it, I saw Nikky, again just blanking me. That night, I broke up with Tracy, as it was obvious that I was not over Nikky, and this time I made the break up stick because there’s just no point stringing on Tracy when it’s clear she obviously isn’t the girl I want.

Even though that Nikky is not there, we are completely fine. It has only been a week since we broke up, but I’m not thinking about Tracy at all apart from feeling bad that she is crying a lot.

I am just thinking about how I lost Nikky, and really miss the emotional connection, and probably will never even be a distant friend to her, and to be honest, it’s really getting to me.

There was a lot more to the story, but I don’t want to write 10 pages!! Anyway, I know I was a complete jackhead in choosing lust over love, and have no one else to blame. I strung (obviously unwittingly) Tracy along for over a year, with the knowledge deep down I wanted someone else although to be honest, the relationship was actually very good with Tracy had it not been for Nikky. I messed up big time, and wish I could make it up to both of them.

I don’t really have many expectations of ever speaking to Nikky again. I don’t even deserve to, after the way I treated her. Also, I know it took her quite a few months to get over me, and now had closed that chapter of her life, and I just don’t want her to get reminded of the hurt I caused. She recently got her result (which was a 1st class degree) and I don’t even feel I can text her a Congratulations message.

As for Tracy, I did give her 100% while we were going out, and do believe, apart from the Tracy thing, that I did treat her very well. Even if I did get back in touch with Nikky, that would really hurt Tracy, as she is already insecure about her anyway, and I can’t hurt her anymore than I already have. I know I have to just let both go, but that is proving so difficult. I suppose I did learn from this experience so that is something.

I really did not think that I’d be a guy that would choose physical over emotional but I did. Anyway, I can only blame myself, no-one else.

Both girls gave me everything they had, and in the end Tracy and I lost, and Nikky, by getting away from it all and getting over me and getting on with her life, is the winner! The whole thing may have even been ‘grass is greener’ syndrome, but I do not think it was.

I knew, emotionally, I would like Nikky better, and physically I would like Tracy more! One question I do have to ask of any male reader here is, if you were in the same position, and had a choice between a girl you really liked, but could do absolutely nothing physical with her (and I mean pretty much nothing but perhaps a peck on the lips) OR have someone you do like a bit, but would do most things physical, would you guys do the right thing and choose the one you really liked? I really hope I am not the only one to have made that mistake Thanks for reading this!!!! I appreciate it is long!

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*culled from TheGuardian*

 

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