Just passed by Adolor – the very spot where you carried me (as heavy as I was) through that flood. I remember being scared, but I trusted you so much not to drop me…..that’s one of the memories of you I can never let go…..such beautiful memories. But that was the YOU I trusted. The one I trusted with everything within me, the one whose words I could take to the bank. The same one I constantly felt undeserving of as a result of my inadequacies, I considered myself blessed to have this man in my life. The God-sent who healed me and gave me the will to love a second time.
I know that we have drifted apart for very obvious reasons. Nonetheless, I never stopped believing, not even for a moment that I could trust him not to ever lie to me, no matter the circumstance, despite I had begun to see the signs. I would believe anything just because “he” said it.
I remember while packing my stuffs on Sunday evening in preparation for my trip, while everyone else requested me to bring back stuffs like kilishi and the likes, my cousin, on the other hand simply said to me, like she was sounding a note of warning “just make sure you visit ‘him’ and you guys should reconcile” and I was confused at her choice of words. Reconcile? I thought to myself. So I simply responded “did I tell you we quarreled?” I thought that chapter was closed until the next day, when mom was reminding me to visit her cousins, my cousin repeated the same words she had said to me the previous day…..for her no other person was more important. I was going to tell her that my guy has probably moved on already, but I knew better not to engage in such discussion with her…..it wouldn’t end in my favour.
FYI, I wasn’t angry about the fact that your girlfriend paid you a visit, hell no! I was only disappointed, hurt and confused as to why you, of all people would lie to me and in such a manner. And let me be honest, I hadn’t the slightest idea who that girl was until I asked her what her name was (I still can’t tell why I did. Maybe I was only trying to make up for having snubbed her at first) All the while, I foolishly thought she was with your friend, especially cos they came in together, and she went into the next room……y’all really had me fooled! Lol…. Even though I had seen her picture once, I didn’t recognize her until she smiled after I teased her about her name and I saw the gap tooth. Then it hit me! she was the same person whom he told me barely five minutes ago had left the country and was never coming back.. I didn’t know how to react to that. I regretted ever asking her her name……if only I knew..
I don’t have a problem with you dating other people. As a matter of fact, I expect you to. I’m a fan of reality and I understand that you have needs (physical and emotional) I know that you’re bound to meet people and get attracted to them -it’s normal, I shouldn’t ’judge you for it. I understand that We’re miles apart, things haven’t been quite rosy, with all the shortcomings and excesses that characterised our relationship; coupled with the rather unnecessary display of ego(we’re both guilty of this)and all of these have contributed to our drifting apart, regardless of the fact that we never broke up officially. Who would blame you for moving on?
But what I fail to understand is WHY. Why did you have to lie to me? Did you think I wouldn’t be able to manage the truth? Like I would judge you for moving on? Or were you trying punish me for my past sins? Which would explain why you thought I overreacted. Perhaps you thought I didn’t deserve to know…..like it was none of my business. Or she’s so special and you felt the need to protect her from my evil eyes since you prefer her cool headedness to my rather hot head (you made that comparison, I didn’t)
Whatever your reason was, I will never know. Will I ever recover from the trauma of the events of that day? Only time will tell.
Bear in mind that I hold none of these against you. I just really needed to get this off my mind. Sincerely, I wish you the best in life. You know I always do.