Out with a Mission

By: Oluwaseun Akinlembola

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I –Ojo Theus- I am a victim of various [no countless is the better word] heartbreaks because of my lover boy nature. I spend, do all the lovey-dovey expected of a guy in a relationship, still; I’m always at the receiving end of cut-throat ordeals. The recent of them is with Salome, she eloped with some rich guy.

After a while of self-meditation education experienced in my break from relationships; I’m ready to date again. This time around I’m moved to date not because of a reason to be doubled, but out of a natural tendency to mate and be vengeful. A lot of time have been invested on biology studying reproductive system, and so I’m well equipped with the right bazooka.

So here goes my plan;  Find me a wonderful, nice, and loving lady to date, tend and care for her accordingly. Go out, party, exchange visitations amidst other preliminaries. Public holidays have always been something I cherish a lot, especially Easter period. It seems the longest would be the good Friday, holy Saturday, Easter Sunday and Galilee on Monday.

Audu Ogbeh already said we Nigerians eat rice too much; so I’m well stocked in the area of starch requirements. As regards lycopene and vigor requirements; I do cocoa tea, watermelon, carrot and orange. That’s in a way to enhance my energy needs naturally because modern biology said “stimulants do have side effects” so I wouldn’t wanna do tramar. Well, I will go with Lucozade boost and power horse as supplements.

So now the energy part is set, I’ve got loads of the behavior, the tool for the activity is well available, and so is the time. All I’m doing is in strict compliance and adherence to what I read, as it was written that those aforementioned are quintessential for my mission. So by Palm Sunday, I would have arranged my room, buy some cologne, contraceptive sheaths, and emulsifying agents (glue esp.).

Ash Wednesday will be the day to invite Prettie, yeah of course she’ll eat noodles or whatever we cook. I will afford her a bit of rest because it’s going to be hectic as the days go by. After a lot of rest and gisting; we’ll start the mushy future defining activity. Rub on the sheath the glue (its carpenter/furniture effects however will be reduced that’s why it’s now in the emulsifying state— wouldn’t wanna kill her on the first day), and of course it’ll be in a Vaseline bottle so she won’t notice.

Biology said all a typical Salome has got is 200,000eggs, of which only 400 is available for use, and note that’s for all her lifetime on earth. So here’s the real devilicious plan of action;  The emulsifying agent is to agglutinate the lot of the ovas/eggs. At climax, of course she’s in the seventh heaven; I’ll do a coitus removus on her. Remove the sheath and energize her directly with the most nutritious fluid of life. Since the ovas are now merged, it’ll be easier to crush/break [I know fertilize is the word, but that ain’t my aim] the lots of ‘em. This activity will continue for the remaining part of the Easter break; morning, afternoon, and night so say I break 30.8ovas per coitus since Wednesday evening that we’ve started the activity; I’m sure I would have already scattered the 400ovas available for her life use, and that here is my mission. In case you thinking she’ll get pregnant, na na na; spermicide’s been added to my emulsion.

I know some will say I’m wicked but at least, she’s got over 150thousand eggs left, and there are a lot of mountain tops around for her to pray for activation energy as regards the rest for pikin production. God is merciful; I’m sure he’ll answer and if he didn’t; egg hawkers sha don’t die wen madmen rammed into
them when they were gossiping. What I sha know is that I’ve had my revenge and my mission is accomplished… lol, all guys are the same, simultaneously all ladies are too;
so I don’t have the time to be looking for Salome about, when Prettie is her
and availa-cessible just with another name….hehehe

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